Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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