her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
