final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
