I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
