Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
