My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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