You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize