I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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