my mouth tastes like poor choices
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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