I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
