there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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