Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
