Define "chronic" masturbator.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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