It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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