and you said cock pushups were impossible
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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