Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
