I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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