wrigley field is MILF paradise
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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