He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
