Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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