EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
