In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
