Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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