Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
dude i'm inner monologue high
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
