Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
