You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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