Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
