the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
