I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
