I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
