take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
