there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
