I'm lost and stupid without you.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
