I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
