Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm passing your future prison.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
