Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
