Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize