I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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