I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
