Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
