But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
