I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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