just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
