What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
