bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
