3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
