My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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