the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
