i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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