I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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