I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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