Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
