I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
