I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
