I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
