I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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