I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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