booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
