He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize