I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
